It is fall of 2009. We were in the middle of shooting Lyndon’s cabinetry when we found out in October I was pregnant with our second baby. This was not a surprise as we desired to have more children and have them close together. I was excited to be pregnant again and for Myla to have a sibling. The moment you find out that you are pregnant you start to dream about everything. Your mind is often daydreaming about the new life inside of you! I was no different.
This past December marks two years ago when I miscarriage our second baby at twelve weeks. The moment I suspected the miscarriage the Lord softly spoke, “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10. God was and is not punishing me, and this trial is not his wrath (as we will never experience it), but God is after something. He is after my heart. He wants me to draw near to him and learn to trust him when I cannot track his wisdom or understand what he is doing.
The miscarriage has been disorienting as I thought my life would look one way, and it is much different now, even two years later. The first year the loss and sorrow remain surprisingly strong in my heart. And being honest, the grief and pain still bring tears to my eyes. I have learned to embrace the waves of feelings surrounding the loss and to be ok when they hit. And they hit at the most un-expectant times. Something will trigger a thought, whether it is a date on the calendar or seeing a mother in the grocery store with two children, or catching myself daydreaming of being pregnant again, or being hopeful each month that I might become pregnant. The waves of emotions crash upon my heart. They are not neat or tidy like I would prefer them to be. And yet in the midst of my sorrow I know that Christ is present. He sees every tear that I cry. He made me. He knows my frame. I am not alone. He promises to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrew 13:5). Jerry Bridge states in his message trusting God, “the promises of God are as real as the circumstance you are in.”
A man can plan, but it is the Lord who directs his steps. Let’s be honest, it is no secret that I love to plan and have control. I like to know what is ahead, goals to accomplish and cross off and what is on my to do list. The miscarriage and time has shown me that God has had other plans for my life that I did not see. As December of 2009 moved quickly into 2010 I did not know what it would look like for me. I had been thinking of sleepless nights, diapers to be change, and holding a new baby. I did not think much about the role of photography in my life. In my mind photography would be used to take pictures of Myla and of Lyndon’s cabinetry. I did not dream of anything bigger beyond these two areas.
I did not understand, (nor claim to really understand even now) what God is doing; however He continued to direct my steps. Doors opened for me to shoot my first wedding in May 2010. I am forever thankful for Graham and Hannah for trusting me and giving me a chance to capture the most important day in their life! I loved everything about shooting their wedding!! A seed to a dream was planted. I ended 2010 with shooting five weddings and booking several for the next year. This was completely unexpected and a surprise that brought joy in the midst of sorrow. jamie d photography was born.
This is how God has directed my steps in the sorrow and the unknown. He has given me an unexpected gift and love of photography that I never dreamt of. He walks with us in sorrow and pain. He is not far, but near directing each one of our steps. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hearing my heart. You can read part one here, part two here, and part three here. And you know what; there is still more of my journey to share.
Graham and Hannah, Thank you for your trust and support!!
Several favorites from their wedding!
a self portrait of Myla and I on the baby’s due date in June 2010.
Myla means merciful. She is the sweetest gift of mercy to me. Myla has filled my life with joy!
Here are pictures celebrating her second birthday!
Love her bottom lip!