“Waiting. Waiting for a desire to be fulfilled. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for a dream to be fulfilled. Waiting for grief to leave. Waiting to understand why. Waiting is difficult and I am learning that waiting is meant for good.”
I wrote these words back in December and have had to remind myself of these truths weekly. The end of December we decided to start working with a new practice of doctors. My attitude meeting with them was that we would take the next steps that they would recommend in order to try our best to understand and work with my unexplainable infertility. It has been a little over three years since the loss of our second child and I was not ready to give up this desire of having another baby.
In the process of taking their next steps I found my heart angry at what I needed to do (more extensive charting, blood work, and meetings) and how I needed to wait for appointments. I am not good at waiting. Yet, I wrestled and concluded that God was in control of timing and he was allowing me to wait some more. I started another full panel of extensive blood work with the hope that the results would reveal something the doctors could fix and definitely solve. In February the result revealed that my levels were normal. Normal. This was not what I wanted to hear at this point, I felt hopeless. I wanted a clear problem and an answer. Conversations with the doctors continued. It was determined that the next step would be discussing surgery and that the more blood work most likely would not reveal any new problem. I did not want to go through surgery; however I wanted to be willing to take the next steps if the doctors thought it was best.
Upon our return from St. Lucia I had another follow up meeting in which the strong recommendation came to schedule an appointment with the surgeon. I scheduled an appointment ten days later and all the while asking God that I would not have to do surgery. My prayer was not necessarily get me pregnant just not surgery.
The afternoon before meeting with surgeon I took a pregnancy test. I had given up on them over the last couple of years as they only yielded disappointment. However there was a slight sliver of hope that I might be pregnant as I was attempting to follow the doctor’s orders to chart. I stood in shock when the test turned positive. I stood thinking about of all the times of wanting it to turn positive but only to have it be negative, all the years of waiting, crying, praying, and hoping I would become pregnant again. And now, it was happening and I was surprised.
It was completely all of God’s doing. I used to like to think that I planned out my life and that I could even plan the perfect timing of the children I wanted in my life. I was never in control, only an illusion.
I was not expecting it and at the say time could not be happier. The trusting and hoping does not stop now. God loves us being dependent of him when we wait, when he answers or does not answer. God has sustained us through this valley and has walked with us. Though my heart can be tempted to fear what if we lose this baby. I know for sure the Lord will and can sustain us through another loss if that happens and it is also the Lord who is sustaining and growing this gift of life. He gives and he takes. I do not need to fully understand His ways. He continues to walk with us as we wait the arrival of this baby come mid-November.
My favorite moment was sharing with Myla that she was going to be a big sister. Her first question was how did we know that there was a baby growing? Try to explain that to an inquisitive four and half year old. Seeing her faith grow in God answering her prayers has brought me much joy. Her faith is beautiful. She understood that we could lose the baby and has prayed for God to grow the baby. Her response was simple and has encouraged me not to fear, “If your belly gets bigger then the baby is growing”. Myla wrote the sign and decided that she wanted her picture taken on our front steps for the photos. She is wearing my t-shirt that I wore when I was five when my baby brother was born. Myla is hoping for twins, though we are pretty definite that there is one baby growing. We wait to meet this baby with excitement, fear, and much hope.
“When you wait for the Lord, you can be secure in the reality that he rules over all things.” Paul Trip